Tuesday, April 28, 2009

my clothes are boring.

sooo nate and i went out last night (yes, OUT. to a BAR. the first place with no kids in a LONG time. hooray!) and i came to the depressing realization that my clothes are...really boring. i opened my dresser drawer to pull out something fun to wear and realized - hmmmm...i don't have anything fun. everything i own right now is 'easy to breast feed in.' i think i almost shed a little tear. i love clothes (and better yet, i love shopping) so how did this happen to me? so today, i shopped :] it was glorious. i got some fun shirts, a sweater nate is going to hate (heh heh) and some flip flops. and i'm a happy girl.

btw, if cash could talk, he would take a moment to apologize to his auntie lisa for being cranky and barfy last night. you know lisa, he only does that to the people he REALLY loves.

ETA: btw, going out and watching my cousins get completely sloshed was just what i needed after a month of deaths and funerals. kevin, i heart you and your air guitar and your kareoke rendition of aerosmith's dream on with nate singing back up. and danielle and nicole...i just plain love you. come back soon.

Monday, April 27, 2009

happy moms day to me.

sort of. this is half of my mother's day present (hey, it's my first mom's day - you bet your ass i'm getting more than one gift! especially when i tell nate, 'i'm buying this for myself for mother's day.' and he's all, 'sweet, i don't have to shop!')

i think of dad every time i wear it. and then i laugh because had all this never happened, there isn't a chance in hell i would have ever bought a necklace with an airplane on it.

goes to show how much things change sometimes.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

eeeeaster!

ok...so i'm a bit late with the easter photos. i'm fine with it, so you should be too. (feeling a bit snarky tonight - look out!)

hmmm...i had a whole easter story i was going to write about...got distracted with my giant bowl of caramel cone ice cream (divine, i tell you) and now i can't remember what it was. well, anyhoodle, here's our little man enjoying his first easter basket from grandma (truth is, i think he was terrified of the bunny, seeing as it's about the same size as him. and the movie was more for us than him. still...it's more than i got for easter (heh heh, thanks alot mom.))




bro tats, first swims and wearing a bikini for the first time since cash.

ok, so it was only the bottom half of the bikini. top still doesn't fit. wasn't nearly as horrible as i imagined it was going to be. take that baby weight, ha!


cash and jack had matching pirate tattoos (a remnant of a henry deck party.) so stinkin cute. eta: and this stupid $@#%*&! picture won't upload right and i can't figure out why so i'm just leaving it sideways because i don't care. but so cute, right?


this was cash's first experience in a pool (thanks auntie jean for letting us use your pool!) he wasn't so fond of it at first (note the big pouty lip and the 'what the f?' look on his face.)


nope. still don't like this.


hmmm...maybe this isn't so bad after all.


ok, now this i like. it feels...strangely familiar...


and he was hooked :] he hung out in the pool for the rest of the afternoon. our kid is so cool. i sense little kiddie wading pools in our future.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

my name is cash and i am amazing.

had his four month check up appointment this week (yes, he's five months old. whatever.) it went awesome. he's almost 19 lbs and 26.5 inches long. gonna have to break out the 9 month clothes any day now (sigh...)

sometimes i forget just how chill our little guy is. he had to get a couple vaccinations while we were there and...he didn't cry. he let out a little yelp when she poked him the first time and that was it. i don't know if i should be proud or scared that he might have super powers.

either way, he's the coolest 5 month old i've ever known.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

lucille.

we've lost another wonderful member of our family: my great grandma lucille. she left us around 1 this morning. it's strange, this parting is truly bittersweet. she has been miserable for quite some time...i can sense a sort of peace about this. that she can now be happy and...at peace.

i deal with my grief in a strange way. i know, weeks from now it will hit me that she is gone and i will cry and be depressed. but right now, i logic away the sadness. tell myself that this is what she wanted. that she is happy now. that she can keep my dad company. sometimes i'm not sure if that's the most healthy thing to do. by the time i get around to being sad, everyone else is getting over it. i grieve alone, in silence. and i do it to myself. silly, really.

when i heard the news, my first thought was that i was glad she is finally in heaven. and then i got the urge to write about her. i've always found comfort in the written word. i wrote countless stories, essays and papers after the death of my grandpa bob. now i have a journal half full with stories about my dad. soon it will be full of stories about her too.

lucille bahl (i love calling her that - her married name was weissbeck) was an awesome lady. sure, she was awfully macabre and had a wicked sense of humor. but she was amazing. and she lived an amazing life. my favorite story to tell her about her was that she worked at the mental institution here in salem for years. she in fact worked there when they were filming one flew over the cuckoo's nest. someone from the movie specifically requested that she be an extra (i mean, look at her - gorgeous!) and she said no. she used to say she didn't have time for that nonsense. ha! that was her in a nutshell - no bullshit. she was awesome. i know i keep saying that but...she really was.

unfortunately, her last years weren't happy ones. her health was failing. she was living in a home, which she didn't want. she was getting forgetful. in fact, i don't think she has recognized my face in years. that was so painful for me, because i spent alot of time at her house when i was a kid (she had a pool. and she let us eat junk food and would give us money for toys. again, awesome!) i never went to see her at the home. i didn't want my last memories of her to be the shell of what she used to be. i'll always remember her in her house, watching the blazers religiously, telling her awful stories. and her laugh. and her potato salad. and her swimming everyday for exercise. i'll miss her.

i've wondered in the past few months (when things are hard for us with the baby) why he chose to come to us now. why he thought now was a good time for us to be parents, when we weren't prepared. but in the light of this past month...i think i know why. cash was born on my grandma lucille's birthday. when she was told that he was born on her birthday and shown pictures of him, she smiled. she thought it was so neat that her great-great grandchild was born on her birthday. and my dad was able to know one of the greatest joys in life - being a grandparent. cash was already a blessing. now, he's so much more. he's the light in all this darkness. some days he's the only reason i smile.

he's such a sunny part of my life. i thank god every day for him.

please keep our family in your thoughts. not only have we lost my father and my great grandmother, but my aunt annette lost her father as well. april will forever be a hard month for our family. i hope someday we will find peace.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

friend.

i know i say it all the time but...she really is the bestest. helps me stay focused on the good. keeps me smiling. when i'm surrounded by clouds, she is my sunshine.

i'm so thankful for her.

((on a completely different note, check out our SU-WEET glasses! what is better than zebra print? zebra print sunglasses. zebra print sunglasses that were ON SALE. booyah.))

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

we're not in keizer anymore dorothy.

becaaaaaause...we have bunnies in our backyard!

the good thing about this? they are cute and i can watch them bounce about from my window. the really good thing? i don't have to feed them. finally! an animal i don't have to feed or clean up after.

and speaking of animals...this just in from the i'm-so-vain department: our puppy staring at the wonder that is piper. she spends the better part of her day looking at herself. seriously.

Monday, April 13, 2009

an oldie.


from when we still lived at our apartment. seems so long ago already.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

the first holiday.

without dad. it hasn't seemed real until now. like he was just on a trip or something. but today...i really missed him.

missed hearing his laugh over the roar of people talking in the living room.

missed seeing him talk with his brothers about philosophy and religion and all that boring stuff.

missed seeing him sit in the chair next to mom during dinner.

missed seeing him tickle cash.

they say that the first holiday is always the hardest.

i can't imagine this getting easier.

happy easter!

Friday, April 10, 2009

if i had a super power, it would be my quick wit.

buah ha ha ha.

i've been thinking about that all morning. makes me laugh.

anyhoodle...life with yet another animal in the house has been interesting. an animal that follows us around everywhere. i now have an audience in the morning when i get ready - i feel like a monkey at the zoo. and did i mention she snores? not cute little, 'awww that puppy is snoring' type of snores. BIG snores. HUMAN snores. the first night i thought it was nate snoring, for crying out loud. but she's cute and lovable. and my dad's. so we love her. even when she piddles on the floor, like she did this morning. even when she licks every bit of bare skin she can find (note to self: close and LATCH the bathroom door when you go pee. nothing says good morning like a puppy licking your legs while you're sitting on the john.)

cash likes her too...well, as much as a 4 month old can like a big hairy thing that likes to lick your face. the progression of these photos crack me up - his face in that last photo! priceless.



Wednesday, April 8, 2009

a goodbye.

aSomeone once said, “To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home.”

I can’t think of a better way to describe my dad. I used to tell people he must have been a bird in a previous life, because he lived to fly. For as long as I can remember, my dad longed to become a pilot. In fact, it came as a great surprise to him that not everyone felt the same way! One of the greatest things about my father was his passion. He didn’t just like something, he LOVED it. He had many passions throughout his life: his family, his work, his crazy designs, his love of blowing things up. But nothing captured him like flying did. So when he began to study for his pilot’s license, he threw himself wholeheartedly into it. He lived and breathed airplanes and could talk about them for hours on end, despite al the eye-rolling and glazed over looks he got from his family. The day he passed his test, he sent me an email at work telling me all about it. It was like reading a letter from a little boy, excited about a new gift he had received. I’d never heard him more thrilled about something. To this day, it brings a smile to my face.

The first time I flew with him, I was in awe. There was a light in his eyes I had never seen before. The smile on his face…there truly are no words. I realized I was seeing him complete for the first time. That a small part of his soul had been missing until it learned to soar through the sky. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier for him. Because some people go through their whole life without ever finding something that they are truly passionate about. And in flying, he had found it.

This is now my greatest comfort. Knowing that he left us while doing something that he loved. Knowing that despite leaving us far too soon, he lived a full and wonderful life. I don’t think I will ever know another man as great as him – the world is so empty without him. But I know he wouldn’t want us dwelling on the sad. So I want to thank him. Thank him for being the best father a girl could ever ask for. Thank him for being the best grandfather a boy could ever dream of. Thank him for being…the best. I love you dad.

....the euology i gave at the funeral yesterday. it felt good to be able to tell everyone about how awesome my dad was. though i think most everyone knew that anyway. so many told me how impressed they were by it. i think i did my dad proud...which is all i could ever ask for.

it's funny, i'm torn between wanting to talk about my dad all the time and wanting to talk about ANYTHING else. i'm scared that someday the memory of his face, his laugh, his smile, will begin to fade away. which makes me think i should talk about him as much as possible. but right now, it's hard to talk about him without being sad. and truly, that is the last thing he would want. so i'm going to keep going...writing about all the stupid crap i thought no one cared about. but apparently, a lot of people do. dozens of people came up to me after the funeral saying that my dad had passed my blog on to them and anyone else he knew...and how much they loved reading it. so really, from here on out...this is for him....

Sunday, April 5, 2009

thank you.

for the support and comfort i have received in the past few days. truly, there aren't any words that help ease the pain. but knowing you're loved by so many...it helps ease the loneliness. i don't think i will ever be able to fully express how thankful i am for all the wonderful people in my life. thank you. i love you all so much.

please keep my family in your thoughts tomorrow - we are saying our final goodbye. i've never faced something so difficult. words fail me.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

4.1.09

we lost a father. a husband. a son. a friend.

the most wonderful man.

grief comes in waves. one moment i'm fine and the next...something silly dissolves me into a puddle of tears.

a pair of work gloves that form the shape of his hand from years of use.

an old t-shirt.

a coffee mug with his name on it.

it's hard for me to wrap my brain around all this. i can't believe that i will never see him smile again. never hear him laugh. never get to roll my eyes at yet another plane story.

i'll miss him everyday.

please pray for our family - the love and support we have received from the community around us has made this dark time less lonely. we can never express how much it means to us.

and please pray for the Lusardi family - they too have suffered a great loss.