Tuesday, May 12, 2009

evil minions.

there are 3 things that will never survive in my house: big spiders (small ones i can make my peace with. but if it casts a shadow, sucker is DEAD) ants (or as i like to call them, the devils minions) and mice (no mice in my shed either, because mice in my shed will lead to mice in my house and if i ever see a mouse in my house i will completely lose my shit.) most other things i let live (or catch and release outside where they belong.) unless it's in my bedroom - my bedroom is a no fly zone for anything with more than four legs and/or wings. (stemming from a traumatic 'spider in my bed' incident when i was little. but that's another story.) ok, i told you that so i could tell you this:

the scene: our house, last night after taco night with the henry's.
me, walking past the door to the office: "ugh, what did nate leave on the floor now? i swear, he is the messiest person i have ever me-wait a second...is that? is that a spid...(flipping light on.) Oh my god, OH MY GOD it's a tarantula. There's a tarantula on my floor, TARANTULA ON MY FLOOR!!!" (Ok, so really this was all in my head. This spider was so big, I couldn't even scream.) What I actually said was, "Naaate. Naaaaate?" He comes walking towards me, "What?" With a shaky finger I point and whisper, "Tarantula." Nate rolls his eyes, "Oh my god, you are so dramatic. There isn't a tarantu-whoa. That spider IS big." And he promply squished it. so then, like an IDIOT, i decide that i needed to take the recycling out to the shed and begged nate to go with me (we still haven't replaced the light on the patio so it's dark and scary out.) and then this happened:

the scene: the shed, with me opening the door and fumbling around for the light (why i went first, i DON'T know.)
me, finally finding the light switch and flipping it on: "holy shit, HOL-Y SHIT, there is a mouse on the shelf looking at me. MOUSE on the shelf, MOUSE ON THE SHELF!!! Gahhhh!!!" (and i run screaming the other way.) nate justs rolls his eyes, "oh my GOD, what is your problem? it's not like the mouse is going to lunge at you or anything." "you don't KNOW that!" rolls his eyes again, "whatever. i'll put the mouse trap on the shelf and i'll bet you $10 it'll be dead in the morning."

so i told you THAT story to tell you this one:
one fall, when i was somewhere between 6 and 8, we had a bad mouse problem in the cellar. one mouse turned into two mice, which turned into hundreds of baby mice. and for some reason they weren't taking the bait in the mouse traps sooo, my dad figured the easiest thing to do was find the baby mice, feed them to the cats (a totally separate and equally traumatic story) and then capture poppa mouse and momma mouse. in theory, sounds like a good idea. in practice, with a 6 year old GIRL, this spells disaster. so one night (why do these things always happen at night?) dad and i went down into the cellar, took the staircase out so they couldn't run up the stairs and hunted for mice. rather, dad hunted for mice, i cowered in the corner plotting my escape. (i should probably mention that our cellar has a little concrete ledge that runs around the entire length of the room. perfect for storing stuff and, coincidentally, perfect for little mice to run around on.) so there i was, trying to figure out if i could scale a concrete wall if need be, when out of the corner of my eye i spotted momma mouse making a beeline for my head, racing along the little concrete ledge. "oh my gosh, oh my gosh - DAAAAD, MOMMA MOUSE! Ahhhhh!" And i proceeded to race over to my dad and clamber up his body like a monkey (picture those old cartoons where the elephants jump up onto things to get away from the little mouse - just like that.) "daaaaad, that mouse just tried to KILL me!" my dad just rolled his eyes and peeled me off his back. "she did NOT, get a grip." so THAT'S why i hate mice.

eta: my dad is totally in heaven right now, rolling his eyes and laughing. saying i'm SO dramatic and ridiculous. whatever dad, that mouse was HUGE. and she would have totally killed me if i hadn't seen her and ran away. so there.

and i'm also happy to report that i found mr. mouse, legs up, in our mouse trap this morning.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness! I just laughed so hard I have tears running down my face!! Thank you Sarah for giving your Mom the chance to cry about something funny...