the past 6 months have been hard. harder than hard. harder than i think i even realized. i've never been at such an emotional and financial low...and having it come 3 weeks from when we are supposed to get married - this just isn't how i envisioned this time in my life. i should be happy...instead i break down in tears every day just thinking about it. i'm wracked with guilt over our decision to continue on with our wedding plans, despite not being able to contribute one cent to it. i hate the fact that all this is putting pressure on the one person who doesn't need it. i keep putting things off because i don't want to ask for the money, but i know we can't pay for it either. and here we are, in serious crunch time, with so much left to do.
i'm not writing this to drum up sympathy or ask for help - quite the opposite. in fact, i'm embarrassed. embarassed because for the first time in my life i feel like a complete failure. even when things were bad, i could always say, with almost 100% certainty, that our bills would all get paid. i could even say with some degree of certainty that they would get paid on time. now i can't say that. never before have i had to scrape together our pennies to buy groceries or been unsure if we were going to make rent. i'm so disappointed in myself, for allowing us to sucuumb to debt.
i've hit a wall. i've used up all my unemployment benefits - hopefully i will be able to eek out some more from the state, but that's a big unknown. and i'm afraid that the little work i am doing is either going to mess up my unemployment further, or keep me from getting a 'real' job.
most days i wish i hadn't listened to everyone and had postponed the wedding. i'm not sure if haveing a big party to celebrate our marriage is worth all this.
i just wish i had a do-over. or a fast forward button to head straight into 2010. i'm not sure how much more of this year i can take.