Friday, April 30, 2010

being green.

growing up, my family always recycled.
mostly out of necessity, since we lived in the country and didn't have garbage service.
that was probably the greatest shock when i moved out on my own - being able to throw tin cans straight into the garbage, the horror!
now that nate and i are back in the country, i'm back to recycling.
and recently, there's been a shift in my thinking. i'm going from recycling the stuff i 'have' to, to recycling because i should.
when it comes to the enviroment, it seems like it's easier to just say, 'i'm one person, what can i possibly do?'
and really? every little thing you can.
soon i'm going to replace our paper lunch sacks with these.
and i really want one of these so that i don't have to use plastic bags for my produce.
and then i'm getting this and this to replace all those darn ziploc bags i put cash's snacks in.
i'm never going to be a recycling nazi - but this? this i can do.

[[i'd also like to note that my dad is in heaven right now, with his head in his hands wondering how, HOW could i have such liberal offspring?!? joke's on you, dad.]]

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

you know you're a mom when:

you change a diaper standing up, in your office.
when you have to let your baby run around with no pants because they're soaked and you don't have a spare pair with you.
when you tie a sweatshirt around his waist so he at least doesn't look totally like a country bumpkin.

if you ever walked around with dignity, motherhood will fix that for you.

Monday, April 26, 2010

[book] obsession.

as a kid, i was a voracious reader.
now as an adult, it comes and goes with time and interest.
lately i've been back on the reading bug.
right now i'm re-reading jen lancaster's bitter is the new black (i heart her and wish she was my friend.)
and in the last two weeks i've finished heather armstrong's things i learned about my dad in therapy and rita arens' sleep is for the weak (both excellent.)
i heart books.

what are YOU reading?

[[all images found via]]

Sunday, April 25, 2010

the hugger.

you've moved on from your 'i need to kiss you and everyone else every five seconds' phase.
now, you sneak up and give us big bear hugs for no apparent reason at all.
one minute i'm making a pot of coffee, the next minute you are clamped onto my leg like the little monkey that you are.
i love it.
even when you sneak up behind me as i bend over to pick something up and run full speed into my butt.
last night, while we were watching jungle book (the first time in a LONG time) you climbed onto the couch, put your arms around me and laid your head on my shoulder. and you sat like that for the first fifteen minutes of JB.
my heart completely melted.
i could have sat like that for hours (even with the kink in my neck.)
i'm not sure what has gotten into you that makes you extra snuggly, but momma is a BIG FAN.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

the kroc.

two weekends ago we met up with the henry's at the kroc center to go for a swim.
cash loves the water (or at least he loves the bath.)
and last summer he had a blast going for swims.
nate seemed to forget that he needs to be eased into things, which he failed to do.
and this is what happened:

not happy. NOT happy. NOT. HAPPY.

needs a snuggle to deal with the outright cruelty of dad, for not easing him into this.

sophie, jack, maddie and nate trying to convince him, hey look! water is fun!

he didn't buy it until they got into the deeper pool with the cuter lifeguard. hey babe, do my man boobies do it for you?

andddd...he likes it! finally.
we can't wait to go back.

spring cleaning.

i've been on a MAJOR cleaning/organizing bender.
i feel so accomplished.
and i've been listening to this on repeat.
it makes me smile.

Friday, April 23, 2010

the tooth monster.

remember how i swore up and down that cash was never going to grow any teeth and that i was going to have to send jars of baby food in his lunchbox when he went off to kindergarten?
those days have long since past us.
right now, he has 5 NEW TEETH coming in.
and there are no words for the misery he is in.
there was one night this week that he had frozen gogurt for dinner because he refused to eat anything else.
and the screaming.
im heartbroken that i can't really do anything for him (aside from drug him. or fill his bottle with whiskey. something tells me child services wouldn't appreciate that.)
my poor little tooth monster.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

the parenting debate.

due mostly to our daycare woes, but also because i've been yearning to spend more time with cash, we've decided to re-arrange my schedule so that i can be with him during the day for a couple days a week.
on a really good day, i'm excited about all the fun things we are going to get to experience together.
on a not so good day...i wonder...what the heck am i thinking?

it's interesting...when we finally decided this is what we were going to do, some of our friends scoffed at the notion of not putting him in daycare (how will he develop social skills, i tell you!?)
other friends applauded me for devoting as much time as i can to being his mother.
being a parent automatically opens up every decision you make to the judgement of everyone around you.
no matter what, someone thinks that something we are doing is wrong and forever damaging to him.

they say parenthood is exhausting - it never occurred to me that some of the most exhausting moments would be explaining yourself and your decisions.
oy vey.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


pure bliss.
brought on by a mud puddle in the driveway.
seriously - all the toys in the world, and i've never seen him so insane with happiness.
if that doesn't make you feel wholly inadequate, i don't know what will.

Monday, April 19, 2010

the ugly frog.

ever since i was little, i've loved the ugly underdog.
i've always gravitated towards the runt of the litter, picked the ugliest christmas tree in the lot and held the ugly and misshapen close to my heart.
and my dad totally got that.

he had this wonderful habit of buying me sweet, little unexpected gifts.
sometimes it was something as simple as an orange creamsicle from the gas station on road trips.
or as surprising as a pair of shoes on a random mall shopping trip (i wore those shoes until they fell apart.)
a russian nesting doll from seattle, a pink quartz in the shape of a heart, an engraved wooden jewelry box from wallowa lake - completely random and utterly useless little treats.
but they were always unique and perfect for me.

i'll never forget the day he brought home the ugly frog.
i don't really remember how old i was (though i'm reasonably certain i was past the 'useless knick knack stage.')
dad and mom had gone to the state fair that day.
they loved to browse the different booths, where dad discovered a glass blower he fell in love with (dad loved art.)
the artist had a whole menagerie of glass reptiles: frogs, lizards, etc.
dad had picked up a blue lizard with me in mind when he spotted a separate table for the 'accidents.'
the experiments that didn't turn out right.
or as the sign said, 'the ugly frogs.'
and dad bought one of them for me, knowing that i would absolutely love one.

i still remember unwrapping it. i squealed with glee when i saw it's tiny, misshapen little body.
and laughed at how wonky and weird it was.
it sat on my dresser until i moved out, when it got packed in a box with other treasures that my grandma norma had bought for me on her travels.

we had been living in our house a total of maybe three days when dad died.
we were still in the process of unpacking the 'useless' stuff - the picture frames and books...various things that weren't essential to daily life.
when we finally got around to putting together a new bookshelf, i pulled out the ugly frog and its blue lizard friend and put them next to a picture of dad.
and that's where they'll stay.

i think that's what i miss most about dad.
he got me.
he understood my weird sense of humor.
laughed at my sarcastic (and frankly, damn funny) jokes.
he was fascinated by the things that fascinated me.
i don't think there will ever be anyone that will know me quite like he did (not even nate - though he's close.)
i'll miss him everyday. always.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Saturday, April 17, 2010

the family quilt.

we got this AMAZING quilt from my aunt chris at easter (a late wedding gift.)
i was in love with it the moment i laid my eyes on it - and then i wrapped up in it on the couch annnnnd....le sigh. it's just plain amazing.
everyone in the family loves it.
especially piper.

she's a big fan.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

a happy thought for tax day.

in years past, i've always pondered (often aloud) how people could wait until the middle of april to file their taxes.
how could you prolong cold hard cash in your pocket!?
and this year?
i filed my extension on the 13th.
hello, business owner!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


this really resonated with me today.
i literally was sitting in the restaurant crying when i read this.
there are so many times when i've thought, 'i can't wait for cash to get a little older so i can have more time to do...whatever.'
so many times when i've sat on the edge of the bathtub crying because i feel like i failed him that day.
so many times that i've gotten angry with him and instantly regretted it.

every decision i make, i question whether or not it's the right one.
whether i'm raising him right or just screwing him up.

parenthood is the strangest journey.
it's never ending, tiring, impossible, thankless.
and yet, at the end of the day, i know when i'm 50 i'll think it's the best journey i ever took.

i just hope that someday cash will hug me and say, 'you did a good job, mom.'

Monday, April 12, 2010

el dorado.

cash -

you have quite the obsessive little personality.
there are certain things you JUST LOVE. and everything else pales in comparison to its awesome-ness.
in march, you abandoned your deep love for jungle book. (i wasn't all that sad.)
for awhile, you had zero interest in anything other than your osu football.
but in the past couple weeks, you must (and i mean, MUST) watch el dorado 4 or 5 times a week. and you bob your head to the music, laugh at parts that you shouldn't already know are funny and if we watch it in the morning, you'll climb onto the couch and snuggle with me (it's my favorite.)

i bought you sidewalk chalk last week and you want to be outside ALL THE TIME now.
doesn't matter if it's raining and cold out. or if you're still in your pajamas and haven't even eaten breakfast yet.
your temper tantrums are a part of daily life.
and i swear you can speak english perfectly fine. every once in awhile, your constant jabber will sound like real, actual sentences. and i'll look at you and say, 'did you really just say that?' and you'll look at me and laugh (seriously. you've done it TWICE this week. quit screwing with mama!!!)

you get your signs confused now. when you want something, you wave goodbye, sign 'please' and 'milk,' clap your hands and then flap your arms up and down because you are so frustrated that you don't know how to tell me what you need. a lot of times you'll grab my hand and drag me into the kitchen and we play 20 questions until i figure it out (i'll ask, are you hungry? and you just look at me. then i'll ask, are you thirsty? and you'll furiously start signing 'please' and nodding your head. it's so cute.)

i just taught you how to point at something you want. just this morning you dropped a soap bottle into the bathtub and started grunting and carrying on. i knelt down next to you, pointed at the bottle and said, 'is that what you want?' and you signed 'please!' and i said, 'point to what you want, like this [pointing at bottle.'] you studied my hand for about half a second, lifted your right hand and pointed at the bottle - then you squealed with glee and started signing 'please' frantically. it. was. awesome.

some days it's hard juggling you and all the other responsibilities in our lives. but you? you make it a thousand times worth it. i live to see your smiling face in the morning. even though sometimes i don't always smile back (your mommy isn't a morning person. just work with her, ok?)

just know that there are times when i have to be somewhere else. but i'm missing you every second i'm gone. and that i can't WAIT to get home to you.

love you little pumpkin.
your momma.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

[even more floral] obsession.

can i just take a moment to express how much i've COMPELTELY LOST MY SHIT over the Liberty of London lines at Target?
because i have.
i love them.
i wish i could roll around in a pile of their bags and scarves and dresses.
naked. (kidding.)

[pictures found here]
liberty of london - can you stay at target FOREVER?

Saturday, April 10, 2010


this was cash at the height of his 'jungle book all day, every day' phase.
ummm...that was 2 months ago.
how did he get so grown up all the sudden??

Friday, April 9, 2010


cash couldn't have been less excited about easter.
i had to tickle that smile out of him in the second picture.
it was a good day anyway.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

the boy diet.

this kids diet consists widely of fruit.
he loves it. it's good for him. and hey! who needs vegetables (other than carrots) anyways?
blueberries are (and have been. and probably forever will be.) his absolute favorite.
every time he finishes a handful, he looks at me like, 'mother? please, please give me more.' and then he makes the most awful grunting noise and starts signing 'milk' and 'please' as fast as his chubby hands can sign.
and i look at him and say, 'dude - you just ate enough blueberries to choke an elephant. perhaps you should move on.'
it never works.
bonus? he poops like a champ.
parenthood is magnificent.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

ramming speed.

my dad was a total star trek geek.
he was constantly quoting lines from the show and movies, wearing trekkie t-shirts, generally being a total nerd about it.
one of his favorite lines from the show was, 'ramming speed!'
he used it ALL the time - in fact, pretty much every time we got in the car, he would turn it on and shout, 'ramming speed!'
it was hilarious.

and cash? has two speeds - asleep and ramming.

Monday, April 5, 2010

woe is ME.

childcare is the BIGGEST pain in the ass.
pretty much since we opened the restaurant, we've been having my friend amanda watch him, but it's getting close to time for us needing to find an alternative.
and i'm really not looking forward to it.
i would love to stay home with him (ok, ill be honest - i would still need a day away probably.) but right now, i need to be at the restaurant to make sure it doesn't come crashing down. and we could use the money.
but the prospect of picking some daycare just by their name on a list and sending my child there - ick.
so i'm here, having a little pity party for myself.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

the easter basket.

[[as told by dad.]]

"mom and dad were quite the pranksters when we were growing up. and they took the 'hiding the easter basket' thing to a an extreme.
it got to the point where my brothers and i gave up looking - it just wasn't fun anymore.
one year, michael found his easter treats in a ziploc bag taped to the inside of the toilet tank.
another year, i finally found my easter basket in an empty ice cream container in the freezer.
so you? have no idea how easy you have it."

pure awesome? i think so.
i remember wondering when i was younger where my dad got his prankster tendencies from.
but then i started hearing the stories of the tricks my grandparents would pull on each other. buckets of cold water in the shower, locking each other out of the house, food fights - it's hard to imagine my sweet little grandma norma ever doing such a thing.

but i'm pretty sure i'm going to take some notes from her prank play book once cash gets a little older.
because hiding an easter basket in the freezer? is genius.

happy easter everyone!

eta: just realized that this is my 900TH POST - holy crap. i am so vain.

Friday, April 2, 2010


this really hit something home for me.

there have been many times when, as i wrestle a squaking, flailing 18 month old into the grocery cart, catching stares from hapless bystanders, that i think - did i really become this person?
i remember being that single, child-less human being.
i remember judging the parents of those wild eyed little ruffians.
and yet, here i am.

and i've realized that, in having cash, i view everything in this world differently.
i revel in his uninhibited enthusiasm.
i love that he's got wild amounts of energy and is often loud, hyper and full of often wildly inappropriate behavior.
and it's totally ok with me.

i want to encourage him to be a kid for as long as possible.
to get dirty, imagine and play all day long.
i don't care that he jumps on the furniture, throws pillows and blankets on the floor and is a walking tornado.
because i know that all the while, i'm teaching him when this sort of behavior isn't appropriate.
it's a fine line to walk - some days i struggle to find the patience to deal with his energy.
other days, i can't wait for him to wake up from his nap so we can go outside and explore.
knowing that someday, he's going to look back at his childhood and remember being a KID - that alone keeps me running after him.
because being his mom? is just about the greatest thing i'll ever do.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

the day that changed everything.

a year ago today, my world changed forever.
it feels like yesterday and a million years ago, simultaneously.
i'll never forget the moment that i saw my uncle raymond knocking on my front door.
it had been a good morning with cash - he had just gone down for his first nap and i was sitting at the computer, listening to the 'across the universe' soundtrack and paying some bills (the only reason i remember that is because that night, when nate and i came home to get stuff to spend the night at mom's, i went over and finished paying them. because i knew i would never remember to do it otherwise.)
i opened the door for raymond.
he told me dad's plane was in an accident.
i asked if dad was ok.
he said he didn't think so.

you know how there are just some memories that you can re-live? this is one of them.
the rest of the day and following week was a blur of sheriffs, priests, reporters and friends.
our house a revolving door of commotion.
i remember countless hugs. piles of food. epic poopy diaper changes. awkward moments at the funeral home. staying up until 1 am writing my euology. bag pipes playing at the grave sight. a hug from my uncle raymond that completely dissolved me. still does.

he reminds me so much of dad.
dad and him had an interesting relationship. you could always tell dad was the big brother.
raymond would frustrate him so much sometimes.
it always made me laugh because the things that drove dad crazy, were things he was guilty of himself.

i'm so thankful that i have him. and my other uncles.
they all remind me of dad in their own way.
the same ways that all four of them reminded me of my grandpa bob.

i'm going to spend today remembering dad.
being thankful for the wonderful family he left behind.
and feeling blessed for having been able to call him my dad for 21 years of my life.