Thursday, December 2, 2010

thoughts on grief.

there are some days were i don't think about him at all.
and when i realize that, i feel like shit. i think to myself, "before cash and nate, he was the most important man in my life - how i have not thought about him today?"
and then there are days that he's all i think of.
the days when i can barely concentrate on my drive to work because all i can think about is him.
his laugh, his smile, the way he made me feel like the most special person in the world. his obsession with girl singers and airplane facts. his ability to never, ever seem to be cold.
i think about the things he's missed. the afternoons he never got to spend with cash. the birthdays he never got to celebrate. the movies he never got to see. the emails he never got to send. the hugs he never got to receive.
sometimes life is really fucking unfair.

for whatever reason, this christmas is shaping up to be especially hard.
i don't want to go on our ritual christmas tree hunt without him.
i hate seeing that blank space on my christmas shopping list where he used to be.
i hate seeing gifts that would have been perfect for him that i now have no reason to buy.
i don't want to be alone while i'm pleading with the weatherman for snow.
i want to be able to watch white christmas with him again.
christmas morning, i want so desperately to see him in the kitchen peeling the orange from his stocking - he was always the first to break into the stockings, even when we were kids.
i want to make this christmas (and every christmas) special for cash - but a tiny part of me wants to be swallowed up by sadness and skip this holiday all together.

how do you tell people that the one thing you want for christmas is something you will never, ever be able to have?

3 comments:

  1. Ahh man...this is tough...I am so sorry...I can't even find the words to say how beautiful but sad this is...xoxo...to you and your family!!

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  2. My heart hurts for you.
    With love,
    Aunt Lisa

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